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Pressure

During this weekend, all I did was running away from my thoughts. I started on Friday evening after work and didn’t stop until Sunday night. I didn’t logged into twitter, blog, or even facebook! I am a very social person, and as I lived here in this city at home country for more than 10 years before going to the US, I still have lots of friends here.  I just kept going from one party to another, with other friends, to the next reunion or bar.

We are writing our R01 renewal back at my US lab. Didn’t have time (or peace?) to read it to our lab meeting last Friday. PI asked me if he could “borrow” parts of my written and drawer-kept R03. I was planning to submit it once I’m back, but hell, if we don’t have an R01, I don’t have a job! And most important of all I feel a little better of “contributing” for my lab since I’ve been away such a long time. Anyways, they still need more preliminary data that I know I can’t have it done here at home country. Pressure to come back.

Next weekend there’s going to be an international local meeting that my former mentor (and currently host PI) is organizing. Long ago she wanted me to attend, and I’ll always say that probably I won’t be here any longer. Sweet dreams. Here it is and now, since one of the speakers cancelled his talk, she wants me to give a talk at the meeting! Pressure to attend to the meeting.

My PhD student sent me a very long email yesterday. It’s complicated, but all you need to know is that she works under my supervision because my current PI doesn’t know a shit about rats and surgeries… Anyways, I’m trying my best to continue this long-distance orientation, having weekly Skype meetings, numerous emails and facebook chats. But by the end of my experiments here I left her alone for a week or two. And then all the damage occurred! Stats were done wrong, data analyzed incorrectly and now discussion of the paper must be rewritten! In her email she just told me “I know it’s too much info, don’t worry about that now. You can read my discussion, and come home so we can figure it out!” More pressure to come home.

In the middle of all this year I started a collaboration with a long time friend that just got a job somewhere north. Since everybody believed I would be already back by this time, that friend and the lovely summer student that we have been working with are with their trip booked for mid August to my lab there. To discuss, to work… but wait – am I going to be there? Not sure. Do I need to tell you that there’s more pressure to come back?

I could keep going on and on. Pressure from my parents that want me to visit more often since I’m so close by now, pressure from my friends that want me to hang out with them more often since I’ll be gone soon (?), pressure, pressure, pressure. I have everything the Embassy told me to do. Just have to return to the Doctor, that has family health problems and is not answering my emails.  Tomorrow I’ll try to call him. I can’t live in all this uncertainty of not knowing when (if?) I am going to be able to come back.

I can’t wait for this nightmare to be over…

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